RIFF MARKET

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Throughout this week and probably next, Riff Market is proud to publish some friends' remarks on Music 2006, with the emphasis on riffs. Each contributor was asked to spend only 35 minutes on his piece, though there were no particulars given topic-wise. Check back mid-day for the next one. Thanks for reading. --NBS

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YEAR IN RIFFS: CHRIS RYAN (ASSMAN)
What's Been Going On In 2006

Maryland - Lacrosse suburbs are not doing anybody any good.
South Dakota - Everyone who happens to turn out cool moves to another state.
Oregon - Way more Jesus and meth than you'd think, but still pretty rad.
Oklahoma - Missionary sex with covers pulled up to the shoulder blades.
Wisconsin - Pop punk
Mississippi - 25 percent of all T-shirts in this state have at least one area code printed on them.
Colorado - Lots of weed around
North Dakota - Well-meaning rural folks are shooting off pistols to warn off big animals.
Montana - Fat Libertarian dorks are firing off sniper rifles at pictures of black people.
Ohio - Classic rock radio says business is excellent.
Idaho - Too bored to have missionary sex
Massachusetts - Foxwoods is sinister.
Wyoming - Missionary sex, but only with a Bible and a sheaf of blessed wheat in the room.
Texas - Everyone sucks, except the very respectable rebellious kids and some rad Mexicans.
Michigan - ICP territory
North Carolina - Shitty Republicans play golf on the beach, but nobody likes them.
Connecticut - Fuck snotty suburbs.
Arkansas - Missionary sex while feeling guilty about voting for Bill Clinton.
Rhode Island - Probably some lacrosse or something
Virginia - Bureaucratic white people still aren't doing anything you care about.
New Mexico - Mexicans get pretty rad here, too.
New Hampshire - I have absolutely no idea.
Missouri - Missionary sex on a bed of warm Cinnabons in the back of a pickup truck.
Hawaii - Excellent Brazilian jiu-jitsu
Georgia - Shocking number of guns hoarded by everyone
Louisiana - (exempt)
Delaware - You can buy a Mac tax-free.
Iowa - Wrestlers have to have missionary sex or else their opponent gets points.
Arizona - Weathered, vigorous, cool old people are staring daggers at fat old Republicans with diabetes.
Washington - Aloof white people wish to be taken very seriously.
Kansas - Missionary sex with overrated basketball players
Pennsylvania - Philadelphia is winning; Jesus and malls are on the run.
Illinois - David Yow could run for mayor and win.
Tennessee - They still listen to good country music.
Indiana - At least they try to be rad, but they still have a lot of missionary sex with Jeff Gordon.
Florida - White dorks and Spanish-speaking thugs hold peelout contests in planned communities.
South Carolina - You must admit that patrician "plantation manners" are quaintly charming.
Vermont - On the other hand, you must admit that hippies are way better than aggressive Republican dickheads.
West Virginia - Toothless mountain man sex. Naw, just kidding, I hear West Virginians are nice.
Minnesota - I wish I had neighbors from Canada.
Maine - You can own a boat without being an asshole, but only in Maine.
Nevada - Maxim readers' idea of a good time wears more desparately thin with each passing year.
Utah - Almost everyone is going to heaven.
Alabama - They love to shop at malls and have missionary sex.
New York - Costs as much as San Diego, laughed at by San Diego; women read books.
Alaska - All kinds of sex
California - The raddest state, but the cokeheads still make retarded announcements.
D.C. - Philadelphia surpassed you in radness two years ago.
Kentucky - Missionary sex while the kids practice mandolins in the living room.

Issues raised: Foxwoods is in Connecticut, as I just found out. Maybe you can help me, I can't think of anything good for Mass.

91 YEAR-END RIFFS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2006